THIS ISSUE: *Tension over sister’s offer. *Office baby showers when you’re TTC. *How to tell my child.
My sister and brother-in-law have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a year now, and recently I offered to be her donor. I was shocked when she flew off the handle and stormed off. I didn’t expect a gold medal, but neither did I think she’d chew my head off. It’s been a week of silence.
I appreciate you had the very best intentions when you made the offer; it sounds like your sister simply needs some time to process it. They have been trying for twelve months – it’s completely understandable that she’s not yet ready to let go of the dream of conceiving unassisted, or at least with assistance, using her own eggs. There’s a saying that all human behavior stems from two basic emotions: love and fear. Yours came from the former, and hers came from the latter. Whatever lies ahead for her, she will know you are there, and that is priceless.
I conceived via egg donor (my cousin). Our daughter is now crawling, and every day I wonder how to tell her. My cousin’s fine with it either way.
You do have time on your side, but it’s great to be thinking about it. You can work out a few strategies, and then give yourself some reprieve. The most important thing is to continue your loving, trusting relationship with your daughter; it’s the best foundation for any future disclosure. When she’s a little older, there are some wonderful children’s story books which explain it well (Amazon has a good range), and you can tell her bit by bit, that she has a special connection to cousin Jane. If they resemble each other, that’s another way to explain things in an age-appropriate way. My biological daughter, Rachael, knew from around age four that (in her words) I “helped her happen.” Her parents were always open, so there was no big revelation; she gradually understood more. In fact, her origins were not only acknowledged, they were celebrated in the open. She is a happy girl, very secure in herself.
It seems that every month, someone at the office has a baby shower. I am TTC and have had road block after road block. I can’t bear to attend these things, but I feel so bad, as I’ve known these women for years.
Give yourself a pass. There seems to be some history there, perhaps in and out of the office. While I respect your family planning is entirely your own business, might you be comfortable sharing a little bit (if no details)─simply that things are taking a little longer than expected, and you’d appreciate sidestepping these milestones for now? Perhaps there’s one person you trust whom you could ask to have a discreet word with the others? One lady I know gave a little lump sum to the office organizer to take care of her share of gifts for the next few months, so she didn’t need to be asked each time.
Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.
Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in the US; speaks internationally. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.
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