THIS ISSUE: *Unused Embryos *Fertility Registries *When to Look for a Donor *Pre-occupied Friends *****
Q: I’m gay and considering being an anonymous egg donor. The clinic has been great, but one thing bothers me: if there’s left over embryos and the parents don’t want them, why can’t I get them? I’d be open to using an anonymous sperm donor in the future, so I don’t see this as being any different.
A: I’m not an attorney, but my understanding is that any and all donor eggs, donor sperm, and embryos created belong wholly and solely to the recipients. That means the decision whether to store, donate or destroy remains theirs. Talk further with the clinic’s psychologist, or one of your own choosing through work, on campus or a counselor at your place of worship to explore your feelings further. Ensure you fully understand the various scenarios that could play out, and gauge how you feel as to each before proceeding.
Q: How do you feel about fertility registries (like gift registries) or crowdfunding to pay for treatment?
A: I’ll admit I cringed when I first heard of this option. It seems like anyone and everyone is asking others to fund their milestones, from a trip to Europe, to their honeymoon, to their start-up. That said, when you consider the cost of IVF (typically $10-15 000 per cycle in the US, according to sart.org), I understand much more why individuals or couples are taking this route, especially (of course) when the passion for a baby can’t be measured against anything else. If people are comfortable giving, at least your birthday or holiday gift might be better channeled toward your goal of a family, as opposed to another sweater. I simply suggest that you keep any request low-key, both in approach and in the absence of follow-up requests. Also, weigh carefully how comfortable you are sharing your journey with others. And on a lighter note, don’t rule out that generous Aunt Jane might want a child named after her.
Q: When should I start looking for a donor?
A: Great question―because many of us might assume “ASAP!” But consider the emotions at play. How recently did you receive the news that you actually need a donor? Today? Last week? Three months ago? No matter how motivated you are, you need and deserve time to process the grief of being unable to conceive without assistance. Talk with your partner, your doctor and other key supports. Recognize that you might benefit from hitting the pause button for a little while, or a long while. Fertility treatment takes a toll physically, emotionally and financially.
Q: Our friend is going through infertility right now and she is constantly spaced out. Do we pull her back into the conversation or let it go?
A: Grant her space. I know people who had a code word for their friend. They would say “Italy” as a shorthand to explain that her thoughts had drifted. It was though she was in another time zone, badly jetlagged. They allowed her space, recognizing what she was dealing with and how it might seep into her thoughts through the day. Don’t assume your friend is uninterested in your life; she is simply dealing with a lot of demands on her focus and energy right now.
Column is not a substitute for medical or legal advice.
Alicia Young is a journalist, speaker, and author of the award-winning Two Eggs, Two Kids: An egg donor’s account of friendship, infertility & secrets. She has a background in social work counseling and journalism and has volunteered at a leprosy hospital in India. In her spare time, Alicia handles parasols and power tools with equal ease (not really, but she helpfully holds the flashlight when needed). Based in Houston. @AskanEggDonor www.savvylife.net Questions? askaneggdonor@hotmail.com © 2016 Alicia Young.
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